when you have to keep trying
If you know me personally, well - even digitally, I’ve always been one to visualize a story. Naturally, I pull out my camera or phone and capture the moments I forever want to relish or feel some “strange” reason to remember the moment and be stored in my digital safe of memories to never be forgotten (it’s scary the amount of trust we put in technology).
Everything that happens in life always finds a way to connect. From the thoughts in my head to the next book I instinctively feel the need to read, to the song that I for some reason can’t stop playing (currently Confetti by Tori Kelly, Make Me a Bethany by Jesus Image Worship, and that one Concrete cypher, Mo Jams).
There are imaginary bumpers placed by God that keep me on the trail toward the heart of my human purpose. There is always a big picture. “So what’s with the cynicism?” I ask myself in those muddy moments. I'm often swept away by an avalanche of hostile and self-condemning thoughts. A deluge of 'Nothing makes sense' or 'I have no direction' pollutes my mind, leaving me feeling utterly soul-crushed
But then, like a beacon of hope, God comes to the rescue. “Be patient and relax, take a deep breath, and continue to play your role.” He speaks softly. I am reminded to work intricately and diligently, He will honor my sacrifice.
When problems arise, as Max Lucado writes in When God Whispers Your Name, “I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.” That takes faith and patience. Faith and patience. Faith and patience. It seems like God highlighted these two virtues in the book and engraved them in my heart.
As the problems come rushing towards me, I am deciding to be still, to trust Yahuah like I’ve never trusted before. Oh how hard it can be when my flesh wants to do the first logical thing and scramble for a solution. “Get another job, you’ll sleep when you’re dead.” or “Just fall back from them, they don’t care.” Yet these “resolutions” leave me drained and restless. I’d much rather trust the Word He has left for us to explore. He will seat me in High places, He will uphold me, He will give my family and me peace.
At this stage I am in my life, all I have left in me is to trust in the Lord. The skills and talents God has placed so graciously in my lap. I just turned 21 last month, I am more than 75% through university, and I’ve met more family this past month than I have in my whole life. It's as if I'm staring at a table scattered with puzzle pieces, some of the corner ones fitting snugly together, and slowly but surely, the image begins to take shape before my eyes.
Only by inclining myself to that gentle, yet powerful voice–one that I can only hear when I’m truly looking for it– have I been able to recognize His guidance. Lately, I’ve been listening for Him a lot. As I do, He’s gotten much clearer (our souls are already familiar with His voice anyhow). And with each conversation, the more in awe I am of His love for me. He comes swooping in with a wave of serenity, and the anxious sighs transform into weeping tears of joy.
Explaining to someone that may have never felt such a connection with Jesus I’d say feel as if you’re a blind man being led by your guide dog. They help their owners navigate situations and obstacles they normally would not be able to. I am a blind man, we all are. This is our first rodeo in life, yet all these expectations tower over us. Why did humans make existing so complicated? Such a loaded question but at the root of it, we never were left to do life alone. Physically, we have family and communities, but internally, alike, we are not alone.
I love that I can walk into 2024 knowing I have a Father who can take me under His wing and bring me to safekeeping (Psalms 91:4). Who will provide when my family & I come to our widths end (which I have come to time and time again - maybe I’ll testify sometime down the line). The mantra I’m walking in this year is to contently live faithfully. To walk this earth as Jesus did, which should be easy since He lives in us, haha. What a great God. As mortal circumstances come and go, I’m forcing myself to enjoy the slow moments, loving the things God loves, and living authentically to my spirit man.
And on the days the past creeps right up behind you and watches you from around the corner, awaiting your relapse to familiar, naive ways.
That’s when I owe it to myself to keep going. To talk to my mind and remind her she is okay. Remind her she has grown. Remind her that you can’t get to somewhere you have never been before without doing something you’ve never done.
Partner with Jesus and keep walking. One foot after the other, no matter how loud the cacophony.