how do you forgive yourself?

A Soul Writing

Wrestling within one-self, in hopes of figuring out how to forgive her for the pain inflicted to those around me. In her foolish-ness, in her ignorance, and in her immaturity.

Nicosia, Cyprus, 14:00

My actions and perspective of the world were shaped by the weight of my past burdens, quietly woven into every moment as i moved through the present.

They [unresolved wounds] were bound to my neck like a boulder, pulling me under.

In every conversation

In every interaction

Yet i deceived myself into thinking things were, just short of alright.

Living in your own dazed illusions is a scary place to be.

I don’t tell the truth, I tell what ought to be the truth. - A Streetcar Named Desire

Man only likes to count his troubles; he doesn’t calculate his happiness. - Fyodor Dostoevsky

The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it. - Flannery O’Connor

Maybe people with unquiet minds and mentally disordered should never form new connections, lest they inflict pain on those dear to them.

It’s like a leaky faucet, dormant for years, and suddenly you're faced with a water-damaged home.

Or maybe i should come with a cautionary sign — "Be careful! Her self-protective ways may draw you into frustration and uncertainty! SOS!”

Maybe, just maybe, i should have spoken less and listened more —to myself, and to the advice that never pierced the walls of my cognitive dissonance.

Maybe i should have asked myself more questions, rather than letting cease-less, repetitve thoughts drain my inner being, (with a mixture of mental exhaustion.

The mind resisted truths to avoid discomfort, and i gave her the key..my idleness.

Oh the conflict between growth and comfort.

This Crusade of mine.

And you know, it’s funny really. How i tried my best to cherish something precious to me in ways they could not understand.

In ways i myself never asked why did i do such a thing — until extreme solitude.

A type of isolation i never got a chance to experience in a 7 person, buzzing, household.

My muzzled mouth ruled for 20 years.

Until it didn’t.

i could not show up for myself, i could never be at hand, and how much more for others?

And here i am, continuing to reap the detriments.

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. - Ephesians 4:32

Maybe i should apply this to myself.

Grateful for the Blood. Grateful for awareness. Grateful for a New Day.

All for now.

Do yourself a favor and see things for what they truly are, ask yourself questions, dig deep to the root of every last action you make.

With love, (or as much as i know how to give)

Achan